February Update

As part of our weekly assignment and  after we study every book, we write a book application. Through the book of Ezekiel, God showed me some amazing stuff about myself and my relationship with him, so I thought I would share it with you because God did some amazing stuff in my heart.  I sound slightly angry in the beginning, but please keep reading, because it's important to me for you all to see what God has been doing with me.

God has been showing me a lot this week, and last, about his faithfulness to us as a father.  He is a father who follows through.  His actions come from his love for us, and it is for me just as much anyone else.  His character is portrayed through his love for me and he will never leave me stranded.  I feel like since I have really realized this, my whole brain thought has changed.  I want to be just as faithful to him as he is to me because he deserves it.  He obviously deserves a lot more and I deserve nothing, but he does it all, not because he has to, but does it because he loves me. 

            Last week I was to the point of giving up and being so angry at God.  I didn’t really know why I was feeling that way, and that was the most frustrating part about it all.  I was so mad at him and feeling abandoned and alone, but at the same time, annoyed because he is always there.  I just wanted a reason to be mad at him because I felt like he was going to leave me at any second.  When I stepped back and was actually thinking about the way I was feeling, I realized that I was doing with him, the same exact thing I do to people.  Once I get close to someone, I push them away because I’m so terrified that I’m going to get hurt, so I do it before they get the chance.  I had never felt that way towards God before and thought there was no explanation for it.  When I did take that step back, I realized I was doing the same exact thing to God as those people I get close to.  What is really cool about this is, is that I actually feel close to God, and with my natural reaction of pushing people away, God showed me that he is closer to me than ever!  To me, this is just confirmation that I'm in the right place and learning God's word is showing me truth about myself, and most importantly, learning truth about God.  Amazing how God can use a really hard week, to show me something life changing!

            God, thank you for never leaving me, even when I’m angry at you.  Thank you for constantly pursuing me, even when I run away.  Thank you for being my heavenly father.  Thank you for loving me, when I feel unloved.  Thank you that you  don’t judge me for my weaknesses and want only what is best for me.  Thank you for being gracious and merciful and loving and amazing in every way.  Thank you for knowing my heart and seeing me for who I really am. 

Thank you guys for reading and please keep me in your prayers.  God is obviously doing amazing things in the midst of a very challenging time. Every second has been worth it!